At 6:15AM on Tuesday, January 13, 2015 I was delivered into Motherhood and what I will come to find out was the moment of my re-birth. (*Wowza, starting out with powerful stuff folks!*)
Looking back, this was the tipping point. The event to change it all. Unlike the one ring to rule them all, a plan didn't exist. (I feel like even knowing so little about Tolkien, there was always a grand plan. Yes, I admit, I've never read the books and really don't want to watch anymore of the movies. #sorrynotsorry) I simply had no clue what I would do now that I was indeed a Mother. While I watched him cry out, it made me shake with emotion-my cupith did indeed runith over. I knew immediately how to hold him and I knew immediately I loved hard for this tiny human, but now what? What was the next step? As the doctor worked to remove my placenta and as the epidural wore off, I felt empty. Where there once was a baby, there was nothing. When I went into the hospital I was one person and when I left, I was entirely someone new.
I spent many sleepless nights and days thereafter trying to figure out what my life was now that my role so dramatically changed. Did I change? I'm sure I did, but I had no clue how to define "it." I also couldn't tell you how I changed. I would just stare at Cash for hours during the day binge watching Parenthood and chugging Diet Cokes and eating chips to stay alive. Let us also take note that I was always in pajama bottoms, an oversized t-shirt of my dear Husbands and a bathrobe. I really did shine in that time. (Oh! That was sarcasm! *Sheldon Cooper's voice*) The first part of motherhood wasn't glamorous at all for me and in fact, I was lost and it wasn't easy. Let's fast forward. (I promise you that you will like me again later. If you don't, I'm really OK with that and it's taken me 28 years to say that honestly.)
At 6 weeks postpartum I signed up at a local gym. (NGPT!!) I was so unhappy with the person who I had become and the weight I gained while pregnant on top of the current weight piling on - please note the section that I lived on Diet Coke, chips and may I add that when I had a dear friend visit me, I would request McDonald's cheeseburgers on the reg.- I had to make a change. I also hated working out. I was always of the mindset that no one actually enjoyed sweating and killing themselves to be fit. I also loved bread and pasta and potatoes. Let's fast forward again.
This morning, my little boy is now 16 months old crawled up on my lap and wrapped his arm around my shoulder. He then posed for our #selfie because, camera. I'm not the lost woman trying to become what a mother *should* be. I'm Jessi, Cash's Mother who totally rocks at being just that. What transitioned me to this point? (Maybe it's a secret club for only those who lost more hours of sleep than they can count!?) I do believe that finding my inner strength and confidence in living my life healthier and more active through being the #fitmom helped me to shed the layers of bullshit I've been covering up, hiding under for years. No more idea of what I *should* be, only what I am.
I can do 30 burpees in 1 minute and 38 seconds. My max deadlift is 185lbs and I can work out for 2 solid hours and walk out - OK, to be fair, sometimes I hobble - with a smile and tons of sweat feeling accomplished, stronger and healthier than I've ever been. Today I chopped off all my hair into a pixie cut finally (after not having the courage for years. Also BIG side note: my Hubby called me a rockstar on social media, the guy that doesn't "do" social media anymore!) and in November 2015 I started my half tattoo sleeve on my left arm because, #selfexpression and #art. I re-pierced my nose in March of this year. (See, I wasn't always lost as to who I am exactly. Again, #selfexpression) In two weeks, I'm dying all of my hair purple. Let's get to the POINT.
I no longer have the patience to wait to let myself shine. I am now the best version of myself because I was transformed into a Mother. Hear me roar! Shine on you crazy diamonds!!!!!
***Thanks for reading this very long intro. My hope is to bring real stories about motherhood, eating clean or dirty - *evil laughter* - training dirty #crushingit, being a wife, going to rad concerts with the little, toddler wearing, working and of course, the outfit of the day inspiration brought to you by LuLaRoe. Peace and Love!!***
****If you don't know what LuLaRoe is, message me. Let me introduce you to the most comfortable, affordable and funky clothes I've ever seen!****
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